Thursday 28 October 2021 by Pete Redfern

Coronavirus leaves Keir Starmer’s body out of sheer boredom


Keir Starmer

The Covid-19 virus has left Sir Keir Starmer’s body of its own accord out of utter boredom, according to doctors.

The leader of the opposition tested positive for Covid-19 yesterday morning, causing him to miss PMQs, but it appears that spending just twenty-four hours in Sir Keir’s dull company was more than even the virus could take.

“We don’t often see the virus leave the host body so quickly, I must admit,” Starmer’s doctor told the press this afternoon.

“A typical symptom of the virus is a lack of taste, but I can only assume that the virus entered his body and quickly realised it was dealing with someone who believes a Chicken Korma to be ‘quite spicy’ and that its work had already been done.

“True, Sir Keir did display a typical symptom of lethargy, but that was before the virus took hold, so again it left it with little to do when it did enter his body.”

The doctor firmly believes that another contributing factor to the virus leaving Sir Keir’s body so promptly was the Labour leader’s polite pleas with it to leave.

He told us, “I can imagine Sir Keir gently addressing the virus in those monotonous, legal tones, setting out his arguments and then imploring it to leave, and the virus not being able to escape the boring drone quick enough.”

It is understood that the virus then targeted Angela Rayner, but quickly fled when the shadow chancellor called it a ‘piece of virus scum’ and told it to ‘f*ck off before I give you good hiding’.

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