Wednesday 27 October 2021 by Chris Ballard

Queen bows out of COP26 after revealing she’s the Stig


Queen Elizabeth is The Stig

The Queen won’t be going to COP26 because she’s a petrolhead who thinks it’s all a load of bollocks.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II has admitted that she won’t be attending the COP26 climate change summit because she just bloody loves cars too much.

“My PR people tried to say it was due to ill-health,” said Her Majesty. “But the truth is that I’m simply not prepared to give up my passion for gas-guzzling sports cars.

“I’m not going to stand there and tell everyone to stop using fossil fuels when I’ve got no chance of beating my PB in one of those piece of shit electric things.

“And frankly, I love the smell of petrol in the morning – it makes me feel alive. I’m not ashamed to admit that I occasionally take a little sip. I think it might actually be the secret to my longevity.

“It was an absolute travesty giving Attenborough a knighthood over Clarkson, but I bit my tongue because ‘I’m the Queen’. Well, no more!

“Also, Charles is really into this environment crap and one of life’s few remaining pleasures is getting to repeatedly piss him off.

“Not only can I stay alive a little bit longer and stop him ascending the throne, but I can do so while helping to fuck up the planet. By the time he gets to be king there won’t be anything left!

“Right, excuse me – they’re filming the next series of Top Gear so I’d better get my Stig outfit on.”

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