F*cked if I’m going to Glasgow, says Queen

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Her Majesty the Queen has told senior courtiers to tell everyone she’s ill so she doesn’t have to go to Glasgow, according to reports this morning.

Rather than attend the COP26 conference with other world leaders, Her Majesty plans to sit at home eating Werthers Originals and watching the Poldark box set whilst coughing ostentatiously whenever walks past her sitting room.

The Queen, who went to Glasgow once, is understood to have described it as being like that time she had to go to Birmingham and she has no plans to do that again either.

It is understood the Queen will address the conference over Skype, during which she will sniffle a lot and do that thing where you block your sinuses so she sounds all bunged-up with snot.

“Being the Queen she can’t just get a note from her mum to get her out of things she doesn’t want to do, so she’s having to go the whole nine yards to get out of this one,” said Palace insider Simon Prince-Williams.

“Of course, Charles could get a note from his mum, but she said he can’t have one and he’s got to go without her and enjoy it.

“And then she spat on her hanky and used it to wash his face whilst he went ‘Aw muuuuuum’.”