Local Authority swimming baths are to become depositories for all the nasty things you flush down your toilet.
It turns out that the government’s plan to fill Britain’s rivers with raw sewage was just the tip of the fatberg. Council-run swimming pools are next.
“If you enjoy using subsidised leisure facilities then you can expect to make a few compromises,” explained Environment Secretary George Eustice.
“Let’s face it, most of these low-cost pools are already filled with vast quantities of piss and the occasional dirty nappy. Patrons are therefore already well-used to splashing about in human waste.
“Indeed, this regular exposure probably means that most of these swimmers are already immune to the diseases carried by such materials.”
But how would the sewage get into the pools without billions being spent on new pipelines?
“Glad you asked,” said Mr Eustice. “The sewage will actually be transported in buckets filled directly from the nearest river.
“Human chains will be used to pass the filled containers from the source to the pool while the sewage is still nice and fresh.
“This will obviously be quite a labour-intensive process, so we will be asking people in non-essential jobs – nurses and lorry drivers, for example – to change careers and seek fulfilment by pouring buckets of faecal matter onto the heads of swimming children.”
Nurse Simon Williams said, “I’ve looked at the job description along with the terms and conditions and I’ve decided to take the new role.
“The pay is better and I’ll have to deal with less shit.”