New Government advice: Show coronavirus you’re not afraid by licking a stranger’s face

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As Covid cases continue to increase, the Government has issued new advice to lick a stranger’s face to show the disease that you’re not afraid of it.

“We can no longer afford to be cowed by the coronavirus,” explained Prime Minister and epidemiological pioneer Boris Johnson.

“We need to stand up to it. To show we’re not afraid of it. Don’t wear a mask! Go on crowded public transport! Lick a stranger’s face! We’re British and we will no longer be held to ransom by a virus.”

Johnson, inevitably, went on to draw parallels with the war.

“Were we afraid when the Nazi’s bombed us? No! We went outside, we went to the pub, we danced in the street as bombs rained down all around us. And they were big, scary Nazis! This is just a little virus. It’s tiny. We’re British, for heaven’s sake. If we stand up to Covid, it will soon come to understand our British mettle and slink off somewhere where they don’t have our sort of backbone! France, perhaps, or one of those piccaninny countries.

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“So go out. Lick a stranger’s face! Prove you’re not afraid and together we will see off coronavirus for good!”

The new advice comes just weeks before it is expected that Covid cases will be out of control, the NHS will be overwhelmed, and a strict three-month lockdown is, once again, introduced.