Joey Barton’s guide to comparing things to the Holocaust

author avatar by 2 years ago

Losing a football match isn’t in any way analogous to the Holocaust, even if you concede more than three goals. But that doesn’t stop Joey Barton from making the comparison.

Bristol Rovers manager Joey Barton has been roundly criticised for comparing poor footballing performance to the Nazi’s systematic murder of six million Jews.

But how does one go about comparing trivial events to one of history’s worst atrocities? Barton talked us through his methodology.

1. Have no idea what the word Holocaust means.

“I just thought Holocaust meant, like, bad,” explained Barton. “Like when you’re doing a fry up on a Sunday morning and you burn your eggs and you say, ‘Ooh, that’s a bit of a Holocaust’.

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“The key is to make the analogy so bad that nobody would ever believe that you had the slightest clue what you’re on about.

“For example, if your kid dropped his ice-cream and hundreds and thousands went everywhere, saying ‘Argh, it’s a total Holocaust’ would be a bit too good a comparison because the lost sprinkles would be really similar to all those murdered Jews.”

No Joey, they wouldn’t.

2. Make the comparison in a very public manner.

“I made my apparently insensitive remark when talking to the press after a match – that made sure it would be in all the papers and stuff.

“It’s pointless being an ignorant fuckwit if no one is there to appreciate it. Just this morning I had an absolute Holocaust of a poo but I kept it to myself because there was no one there to listen.

“Well, apart from the missus who was in the bath.”

3. Branch out into analogies with other crimes against humanity

“If people are getting all arsey about your Holocaust benchmarks then you can start using other war crimes to distract them.

“’Oi ref! That offside decision was like the Rwandan genocide!’ That sort of thing.

“I have no idea who the Rwandan genocide was or why he’s famous but his name rhymes with offside so that’s good enough for me.

“But yeah, I’ve been getting some real flak for the comments I made at the weekend. It’s been quite stressful and incredibly Holocausty.”

Again – no Joey, it really hasn’t.