Government hails fishing-rights victory over France as Britain’s seas now teeming with ‘brown trout’

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The fallout from a number of Tory MPs voting against an amendment to the Environment Bill which sought to prevent raw effluent from being pumped into our seas and waterways has been hailed as a ‘victory’ by the UK government, as French fishermen are now avoiding our coastline like the plague. Or, dysentery.

Ross Ewage, Conservative MP for Dunny-by-the-Sea, who voted against the amendment said, “People were very keen to poo-poo my decision but they failed to see the bigger picture. Those yellow-bellied surrender-monkeys, the French, have retreated – as usual – and as a result, it appears our shores are simply teeming with fish.

“By the look of it, there are huge brown trout as far as the eye can see – and that’s a big victory for my decision to pollute our coastline. And for Brexit, as it paves the way for Britain achieving full faecal autonomy ahead of our 2045 target.”

Simone DeWilliams, a spokesman for French Fishing Association, ‘Poisson-Passion’ said, “You’ve really done it now, Britain.

“We only wanted our fair share of sole, cod, and snapper, but if we don’t withdraw, we’ll end up catching cholera and typhoid.

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“Already the hulls of our boats are filthy from your Ile-de-merde and we just can’t take anymore.

“We did have the idea of using hovercrafts to float above the poo, but I think if we took that route, the shit really would hit the fan.”