An anti-vaxxer who spent this morning shouting at children and showing them photos of dead people has today insisted he is definitely one of the good guys.
Simon Williams, a self-taught epidemiologist and YouTube account holder, has been visiting schools in his local area to ensure children are ‘made aware of the risks’ that the Internet has tricked him into thinking are real.
He told us, “The vaccine is dangerous, everyone knows that. There is loads of evidence. I just don’t have it to hand.
“And yes, I know I’ve been saying for a year that people will drop dead from this vaccine – but I am very sure it will happen very soon. Probably as soon as all these thousands of people stop dying from Covid – which doesn’t exist by the way.
“Anyway, the best way to protect these children is to scream at them in the morning and show them pictures of dead people before accosting the headteacher and giving him an envelope with a load of legal nonsense I got from the Magna Carta website.”
Headteacher Derek Matthews told us, “Simon used to come here, did you know that? I wouldn’t trust him to boil a kettle, never mind critically assess the efficacy of a vaccine. So no, it’s absolutely no surprise that the quality of his submission to me was so poor. It was riddled with spelling errors and factual inaccuracies. It’s a definite fail.
“But when I wrote the big red ‘F’ on it and handed it back to him he screamed into his phone that he was being cancelled by the establishment and that I was in the pocket of Bill Gates.
“He’s not being cancelled, he’s just a thick twat who has been tricked by misinformation into thinking he’s the clever one for the first time in his life. It’s no surprise that the people sharing this stuff across social media are always the ones who were – well – ‘less academic’, shall we say.
“It’s never the kid from your class at school who got accepted at Oxford who shares this crap. It’s always the kid that used to scratch his name in the desk and set fire people’s pencil cases.
“I don’t think he read a single book in the five years he was with us, but of course now he’s insisting he has ‘done all the research’. Bloody moron.”