Priti Patel’s plan to stop migrant boats by surrounding UK with floating barrier of shit nears completion

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Home Secretary and compassion black hole Priti Patel is reportedly very pleased to see that her aim of surrounding Britain with a protective ring of human shit is going to plan.

With the government voting overwhelmingly in favour of allowing liquid human shit to pour into our rivers and into the sea, Ms Patel’s dream of creating a barrier of excrement between England’s Brexit sunlit uplands and those horrible foreigners who might harbour dreams of reaching them draws ever closer to becoming a reality.

“I tried cursin’ those dinghies to sink, but that didn’t work,” she told press this morning.

“I tried turnin’ the dinghies away with people ridin’ Jet-skis and wavin’ machine guns around, but apparently that’s ‘illegal’ and ‘a breach of international maritime law’ or somethin’.

“But now, my ultimate plan will soon be realised, and the dinghies will be kept away by a thick sludge of the finest, most patriotic poo that our wonderful Brits can emit.”

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She went on, “The illegals and their pathetic dinghies don’t stand a chance of floatin’ through the raw sewage doing its patriotic duty, and so they will all have to turn back.”

One asylum seeker, who arrived on the Kent coastline by dinghy a year ago, told us, “I wish we had been forced to battle through a relentless load of shit to get here.

“It would have given us a good idea of what life on an island ruled for over ten years by the Conservatives would be like.”