Friday 22 October 2021 by Chris Ballard

Tories don’t need masks to go trick or treating, agrees everyone


Jacob Rees-Mogg halloween Mask

People generally agree that while Tory MPs should probably mask up when debating in the House of Commons, their normal faces will suffice when trying to scare people on their doorstep.

The Conservatives are showing an unsurprising level of hypocrisy and a completely expected lack of leadership by not wearing face masks in a crowded House of Commons.

But there are other scenarios in which people agree that Tory face masks would be superfluous.

“Jacob Rees-Mogg looks like an actual ghoul,” said Halloween expert Simon Williams.

“If someone updated his Wikipedia page to say that he was a demon who lived in a cemetery and feasted upon corpses, it would be a good two years before anyone picked up on the factual inaccuracy.

“And Michael Gove’s face is so rubbery, he looks like he’s wearing a disturbing Michael Gove mask.

“We’d we here all day if I listed every Tory MP who looks like they’d dissolve in sunlight, but it makes their faces ideal for the witching season.”

Simon gave some valuable advice on how to deal with Conservative trick or treaters.

“People think that if you open the door on Halloween and a Tory MP is standing there you should give them a treat in case their trick involves cutting your benefits or starving your kids or something.

“However, the point is that they’re Tories and can in no way be trusted to keep their word – even if you hurl a tub of Celebrations at them before slamming the door, they’ll still curse you with a decade or so of brutal cuts to vital public services.

“So you might as well say ‘trick’.

“The trick *you* have to remember is not to vote for the bastards at the next election.”

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