Doctor’s have warned that the country’s levels of excitement about the Festival of Brexit are far too high and everyone just needs to calm down.
Details about the events are sparce, but it hasn’t stopped the country working itself into dangerous levels of anticipation about the event.
“It’s literally the only thing everyone is talking about,” said Eleanor Gay, who was last week’s leader of UKIP.
“I popped to Sainsbury’s to stare at some empty shelves and everyone in there was just going on about how excited they were for the Festival of Brexit.”
‘Festival of Brexit porn’ has been the most searched for term on YouPorn for three years now and the BBC is facing increasing criticism for not creating a new channel devoted to Festival of Brexit news.
A couple from Dorchester reported that the first words spoken by their daughter earlier this year were ‘Festival of Brexit.’
For some people, the prospect of the festival is the only thing keeping them going.
“Everything is terrible, Covid, food shortages, division and hatred,” explained Simon Williams, a gunrunner from Canterbury.
“The Festival of Brexit is the only thing stopping me from just completely giving up and spending my days slumped on the sofa in my pants eating Frosties straight from box and watching programmes about people trying to sell and/or buy houses.”
It is rumoured that the Festival of Brexit will comprise of a big tent in a field in Essex showcasing six different kinds of mud and featuring a Barron Knights greatest hits tape playing on a loop.
It will cost £500 for a ticket.