Sajid Javid: We will not waver from long-term strategy of introducing Covid restrictions far too late

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As Covid cases continue to rise, the Government has sought to reassure the nation that it would not deviate from its long-term strategy of introducing Covid restrictions far too late for maximum impact.

Although the strategy does mean that many more vulnerable people will die and that when restrictions are finally implemented, they will have to be stricter and last longer, it does mean that Boris gets a couple of weeks of his fan-club newsletters such as The Mail and The Telegraph saying things like ‘Boris stands firm’ and ‘Keep calm, and carry on’ which aids his Churchillian tumescence.

“I want to reassure the public that we will not waver from our strategy of introducing Covid restrictions far later than his sensible,” said Javid, whose dictionary is thought to not contain the words ‘foresight’ or ‘exponentially.’

“Whilst we could introduce fairly unobtrusive measures now that would allow most businesses to stay open and save lives, the Great British strategy remains to spend a couple of weeks hoping for the best and then, when the NHS is on the brink of collapse, we introduce a draconian three-month lockdown and watch the economy crumble.

“So, let’s all look forward to the next ‘Freedom Day’ sometime in January.”

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The strategy, although profoundly stupid, remains popular amongst the callous and simple-minded.