Holy See issues papal bull decreeing all anti-vaxxers to be “Fuckwittus Collosus”

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Following the invocation of the Pope’s authority by pro-pestilence campaigners in Colchester, the Vatican has clarified its position on utter drongs whose desperate quest for attention leads them to spout off tripe clearly put on Facebook by teenage trolls.

Monsignor Guillermo Simonsi, head of the Curia’s Dicastery for Communications, explained that Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith had ruled that anti-vaxxers held the same status in the eyes of God as a wet shit taken in a caravan toilet on a moist summer day.

He went on. “It might seem esoteric and even quaint to the outsider but this papal bull is actually a massive theological shift. For hundreds of years, the Catholic Church has always maintained that all human beings have souls and can, by following the true faith, ascend to a state of grace in the eyes of the Lord.

“But after watching that video of those two poorly dressed morons harassing nurses with absurd fake legal terms, his Holiness stated that it was impossible for that duo of wankstains to ever enter the kingdom of heaven. That meant we have had to review our entire doctrine on the universality of the soul and the power of redemption.

“Frankly, these two could spend their life in confession and it would still be a mortal sin to piss on them if they set themselves on fire. Which we think will eventually happen simply because some troll will convince them that a paraffin body scrub and a cigarette will give them antibodies for all diseases.

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“And no, it would not be wrong to laugh if it happens. Except perhaps during Lent.”