The British public will have to deny all evidence that Covid is a continuing and rising threat, under soon to be implemented government regulations.
With coronavirus cases predicted to reach 100,000 a day in the UK, there’s a real risk that people will start to think the government has completely fucked things up – again.
“Don’t worry, we’re going to nip that in the bud with a series of cunning new rules,” said the Prime Minister.
“Whenever people are out in public it will be mandatory for them to stick both fingers in their ears just in case they hear any facts about how Covid is spreading in this country.
“To make extra sure they don’t hear anything with any basis in actual science, they’ll also be required to sing ‘la la la’ as loudly as possible.
“People will also be encouraged to adopt such methods when they get exposed to impartial information in their own home – for example, if they accidentally watch a bit of Channel Four News.
“I appreciate that there may be some practical issues with these new regulations, but I’m sure people will soon get used to picking things up with their elbows and pushing supermarket trolleys around with their stomachs.”
The new rules are the final straw for Covid-denier Simon Williams.
“I value my freedom and I certainly won’t be doing any of these stupid, pointless things!” he said.
“If the government doesn’t want me to listen to facts then I’m going to get vaccinated and start wearing a mask everywhere.
“That will show them!”