Wednesday 20 October 2021

Nation wearily prepares for further lockdown after government categorically rules it out


Kwasi Kwarteng rules out lockdown

The nation’s weary residents are once again preparing for lockdown this winter, after government minister Kwasi Kwarteng categorically ruled it out.

After the Kwarteng told viewers on BBC Breakfast that there would not be a lockdown in England, people across the country sighed in unison, “Great, another lockdown, that’s just what we need.”

Voter Simon Williams told us, “I’ll be honest, I was beginning to think lockdowns were a thing of the past – and then one of Boris’ lot had to go and say we definitely won’t be having another one.  Thanks for nothing Kwasi.

“This government’s track record as far as political honesty goes is far from stellar, and if they had just stayed silent on the matter I could have believed it was never going to happen – but not now that they have so publicly ruled it out.

“If there is one thing you can rely on from today’s government, it’s that if they make a promise, they will definitely break it – so I guess we just get planning for the next lockdown, right?”

Government junior health minister Derek Walden-Smythe told us, “When we say there are no plans for another lockdown, we want you to take our word for it, not go looking at all the other things we gave our word on, like manifesto pledges on National Insurance or the £350m a week for the NHS.  Would it really be so hard to believe we’re telling the truth this time?

“Oh, it would? Right.”

Meanwhile, some bookmakers have begun paying out on any bets predicting a winter lockdown, insisting “It’s now as close to a sure thing as it’s possible to get.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get yours HERE!

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