Wednesday 20 October 2021 by Arabin Patson

Boris embraces green revolution by pledging all his mistresses will be carbon neutral by 2030


Boris green mistresses

The Prime Minister has thrown his personal weight behind the government’s green economy plan by promising that when he cheats on Carrie, the recipient of his spaff will be vegan or maybe only eat meat from those posh hobby farms that have composting toilets in the glamping area.

In a speech to Tory donors, Boris Johnson said that he was going to lead by example to make Britain the world leader in green philandering.

He explained, “To save our future we all need to accept changes in lifestyle. It’s all well and good boffing some pert young thing who flies to Verbier every winter and will only eat manuka honey shipped over from New Zealand, but the truth is that it’s simply not sustainable.

“Whichever pretty woman will next degrade herself with me in exchange for a career boost is going to have to be more environmentally friendly. Like someone who commutes to her placeholder job by bicycle or perhaps offsets her trips to a Pondicherry ashram by getting her daddy to plant some pine trees around his hunting lodge.

“And we need to stop the sackcloth and ashes vision of sustainable living. When your wife gets cancer, you don’t have to jump into bed with some unwashed hippy who blocks motorways and has principles. A lovely 23-year-old Roedean School alumni who got to Saint Kitts on a 50-foot sailing catamaran is completely carbon neutral is just as satisfying to boink while your spouse goes through chemo.”

The press did not ask Carrie Johnson for comment because, well, you know… poor thing.

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