Sixty cyclists who pedal-powered Coldplay gig yesterday were just trying to get away

author avatar by 3 years ago

The large group of cyclists who ended up using their pedal-power to generate electricity for an event that featured Coldplay and Ed Sheeran were simply trying to cycle as fast and as far away from the music of Chris Martin as possible, it has emerged.

One cyclist, Simon Williams, told us of the ordeal, that took place near the venue where the Earthshot awards ceremony was taking place in London.

“I was spending my Sunday evening, as usual, hanging around with some fellow Lycra-clad cyclists because I have no real friends, when suddenly I heard the opening bars of ‘Viva La Vida’ and naturally leapt onto the nearest bicycle to put as much distance between myself and 2008-era Coldplay.

“The nearest bike in this case was one of sixty that has been set out in four rows of fifteen, for some reason. By this point Chris Martin was just getting to the end of the first verse, so I didn’t stop to ask questions, I just got on and started pedalling for my life.”

He continued, “I quickly noticed that some of my friends had put on headphones, presumably to listen to a better band for motivation, or failing that a recording of nails being dragged down a chalkboard to block out the horror of ‘Fix You’.

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“The next hour or so was just a blur as I frantically pedalled away, but at one point I swear I heard Ed Sheeran begin playing ‘The Shape of You’, so naturally that spurred me on to pedal faster to get away from the aural hellscape in which I was trapped.

He concluded, “Finally the terror stopped, so I got off the bike. Weirdly, we seemed to have remained in exactly the same place, but I can’t be sure as we cyclists are pretty bad at noticing things in our immediate surroundings.

“Like red lights, for example.”