Policeman fired for stealing £1 of Jaffa cakes wishing he’d only murdered someone

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A serving police officer who has been sacked for stealing £1 of Jaffa cakes from the station canteen has said he wishes he’d just murdered someone as then he’d have got a promotion.

Detective Constable Simon Williams of the Kettering Police was disciplined for helping himself to a few biscuits* and received a more severe penalty than if he’d taken a squad car out with no trousers on and called pedestrians over to talk to him through the window.

“This is going to haunt me for life. All my colleagues down the station have done stuff to get cool nicknames like ‘Killer’, ‘Gropey’ and ‘Headcase’, but I’m gonna be known as McVitie forever,” he told us.

“I tell you now, if I’d whacked out a reporter with an axe I’d be Superintendent by now, and instead I’m going to have to get a job stacking shelves in Aldi.”

“There’s no justice,” he said, accurately.

*or cakes. Yes. WE KNOW.