Monday 11 October 2021 by Chris Ballard

School harvest assembly best chance of obtaining basic foodstuffs, advise supermarkets


School harvest festival

Several major supermarkets have advised customers that, due to ongoing supply issues, their best hope of eating this autumn is to grab something at a school harvest assembly.

In an unusual development to the ongoing supply chain crisis, people have started disguising themselves as pensioners in an attempt to get hold of staple food items at harvest assemblies.

“No matter how bare their cupboards, parents will still compete to donate the most generous harvest food parcel,” said a statement from the supermarket branch of the British Retail Consortium.

“We therefore advise customers to grab a walking stick, get a blue rinse and head off to schools disguised as OAPs.

“Those sweet, sweet shoeboxes full of tinned potatoes and instant noodles are going to be much better stocked than our own shelves.”

Father of two Simon Williams is way ahead of everyone.

“This is basic stuff,” he said. “If I’ve learned anything from David Attenborough documentaries, it’s that disguise and deception are fundamental aspects of survival in the animal kingdom.

“I’ve already painted a red cross on the side of my Ford Focus to ensure I always get given priority in the petrol queue.

“Now I just have to ensure that I’m the most convincing fake old person in the school hall.

“Ooh, maybe I’ll pretend to be a war hero – people loved that Captain Tom guy.

“Right, what’s the best way to cut off my own legs without bleeding to death?

“Those tins of Heinz tomato soup will be mine!”

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