Hell of Brexit worth it to reach sunlit uplands of Brexit, insist Tories

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Enduring the hellish reality of Brexit is worth it in order to reach the sunlit uplands of Brexit, government ministers have insisted today.

Life in Brexit Britain may be a wasteland of empty supermarket shelves and punch-ups over fuel on petrol station hardcourts, but Conservative MPs have reassured the public that this nightmarish Brexit is a necessary evil so as to achieve Brexit – which, of course, has already happened.

“These are worthwhile hardships that we must endure together if we want to accomplish the Brexit utopia of ransacked shops, and destitute families freezing to death due to increased energy prices,” drawled Lord Count Baron Jacob Rees-Mogg from his office at London’s sole surviving Victorian workhouse.

“Now get back to work!”

Five years after the EU referendum result, dozens of Tories took to the media to claim that only once Brexit is attained can we consign this horrendous period known as ‘Brexit’ to the dustbin of history.

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“It won’t be long before the benefits of Brexit outweigh the downsides. Any. Day. Now,” said self-styled Brexit hardman Mark ̶F̶r̶a̶n̶c̶o̶i̶s̶ Anglais, swinging a punch at a man with a jerry can outside ESSO.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some goalposts to shift.”

“The road to Hell is paved with good intentions,” declared Boris Johnson, beating off a single mother with a stick, as he made a desperate lunge for the last roll of toilet paper in Tesco.

Asked Alice in Wonderland, “How can it be always Brexit tomorrow and Brexit yesterday, but never Brexit today?”