Friday 8 October 2021 by John Bennett

Newcastle United take first steps under new regime by appointing official executioner


Newcastle fans

Newcastle United have wasted no time in securing their first signing following their takeover by the Saudi Arabian Public Investment Fund.

Saddam Williams, freshly appointed PR and scimitar wielding ‘justice coach’ of Newcastle United, has revealed his main remit under the club’s new Saudi ownership will be to stop other club’s fans taking the piss out of them.

He explained, “Under Mike Ashley we were everybody’s favourite comedy club. Well, no more! I will be leading a diplomatic drive, backed up by torture and beheadings where needed, to ensure that the Magpies are given the respect our newfound wealth deserves.

“Others seem to find all the crazy goings on here so hilarious that I must act immediately, even before our untold wealth can purchase a team that includes the likes of Messi, Mbappe, Haaland and Hendrick.

“I promise you, no one will be laughing with our new regime in charge. A stadium alcohol ban, no women allowed in the crowd, boisterous away fans mysteriously disappearing and a half time beheading of the latest journalist to displease the board – all whilst we win trophies. Magnificent!

“That reminds me. I must catch up with Steve Bruce about my plans for a real crowd pleaser for the halftime entertainment at our next match.”

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