Catholic Church admits it needs to improve diversity after recruiting mainly paedophiles

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The Pope has promised that the Catholic Church will set new diversity targets to ensure more priests aren’t child abusers.

A new inquiry has found that hundreds of thousands of children have been abused by clergy in the Catholic Church in France since the 1950s.

“It’s clear we need to do much more to recruit priests from underrepresented groups such as non-paedophiles,” said Pope Francis.

“Nepotism is a big problem, with paedophiles getting jobs in the Church because their dad or uncle was a prolific child abuser there.

“Many newly qualified priests have actually spent a significant amount of time in unpaid internships – something that people without wealthy nonce parents simply wouldn’t be able to afford to do.

“The Catholic Church rewards moral bankruptcy, not financial bankruptcy.

“Our culture needs to change from the top down. I’ve heard stories of non-abusers leaving the Church after being subject to bullying – perhaps because they ‘wouldn’t join in’ or expressed distaste at activities which others deemed ‘just a bit of fun’.

“However, our new ‘Catholicism Fifty-Fifty’ initiative will ensure that half of all new priests have never abused children nor have any desire to abuse children.

“Our churches will start holding ‘Paedo-free Sunday schools’ on the first Sunday of the month. This way, parents can choose whether or not they want their children to be abused.

“Certain questions will stop being asked in our job interviews, such as ‘How many children have you abused?’ and ‘If you saw a colleague abusing a child, would you be happy to turn a blind eye?’”

Although such measures sound like a step in the right direction, does Pope Francis agree that the number of Paedophiles in the Church should reflect that of the general population?

“Hang on, let’s not go overboard,” he said. “That would be hardly anyone!”