Wednesday 6 October 2021 by Pete Redfern

Boris Johnson offers to restore £20 Universal Credit uplift to claimants able to cross a perilous glass stepping stone bridge


Squid game for Tory benefits

The Prime Minister has today declared that he would be willing to restore the £20 Universal Credit uplift to all claimants who are willing to play a little game for his amusement.

In his speech at the Conservative Party Conference this morning, Boris Johnson acknowledged that many households will be worse off following the withdrawal of the £20-a-week uplift to Universal Credit that comes into force today, but outlined a possible way they could get it back.

“The Conservative Party is the party for hard-working British people,” he told those gathered this morning, having got out of bed before midday for the first time since becoming Prime Minister.

“And I believe that those who truly want that extra £20 per week back should be willing to put in the work for it.”

He explained, “I am a compassionate and empathetic leader, in touch with the working man, so I appreciate that not everyone is able to take on more hours at their place of work, and so I have devised an alternative idea that’s definitely my idea and not one I copied off a hugely popular Netflix show.

“All each claimant needs to do is successfully cross a twin-bridge of glass stepping stones suspended two hundred feet in the air, and they shall have their benefits fully restored.

He went on, “But beware! One of the glass panels in each step will shatter if stood on, and the contestant – sorry, claimant – may fall to their death if they choose the wrong one, which would be hilarious, ahem, I mean tragic.

“Good luck!”

In unrelated news, Home Secretary Priti Patel is considering an immigration policy based on whether applicants are able to cross the red line she’s standing on without her catching them moving when she turns around.

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