Journalists have today published more startling and completely unexpected revelations leaked from the Pandora papers, this time revealing that bears shit in the woods.
The papers, which have previously revealed startling and completely unexpected allegations of money laundering and tax avoidance against public figures such as Vladimir Putin, King Abdullah II of Jordan, Fifa officials and Conservative party donor Mohamed Amersi, were shown to a visibly stunned audience at a press conference earlier today.
Professor Ursula Majors from the National Institute of Bear Behaviour stammered, “I had absolutely no suspicion about this.
“We knew that bears lived in the woods, slept in the woods, ate in the woods, and urinated in the woods.
“We knew that they gave birth in the woods and that they died in the woods.
“But we had no idea whatsoever that bears shit in the woods.”
Professor Majors continued, “Even once when I was on a six-month field trip in the woods, and found that I had trodden in bear excrement whilst nearby a male grizzly wiped his posterior with a roll of Andrex, complaining about a curry he’d had the night before – even then I had no idea that it would one day be revealed that bears actually shit in the woods.
“The Pandora papers have changed everything.”
Journalists have warned people to be ready for more startling and completely unexpected revelations from the Pandora Papers later today, this time concerning the Pope’s religious beliefs.