The smarmy remainer narrative of Brexit turning the UK into a failed state where getting basic necessities is a constant struggle, has been confounded after it was confirmed that someone in France was unable to mow their lawn due to a petrol shortage in his own home.
Speaking to an assortment of reporters from Britain’s finest tabloids, Simon Guillaumes, a primary school teacher in the charming village of Canular, said that a lack of oil/petrol mix in the spare jerrycan had led him to give up on mowing the lawn this morning. Monsieur Guillaumes put the blame on this disaster squarely on Brussels.
“The EU just funded a new fast road that halved the travel time between Canular and my work at Moncul. But because of that, I don’t drive by the town petrol station anymore and that’s what usually reminds me to stock up. I can’t even go to pick some up because the wife is out and she told me to keep an eye on the oven as she’s making cassoulet.
“Why are you all so interested in this?”
To combat defeatism and restore faith in Global Britain, editors and senior correspondents at the Express, Telegraph and Daily Mail have all promised to remain in their second homes on the Continent and be ready to cover the dire shortages that affect the EU.
Already, unconfirmed reports have surfaced of a woman in Sardinia unable to get her pet’s favourite brand of cat food and an angling enthusiast in Copenhagen being told his new Daiwa fishing rod might take up to three weeks to be delivered.