Women in the capital have just been informed that, should they feel threatened by a predatory man, they must immediately seek assistance from the only person with vested authority to stop crime in London: whoever’s driving the N15 night bus to Romford Market.
DCI Simon Williams, Head of the Metropolitan Police’s elite He Seemed Alright Down The Pub unit, explained that a quirky historical belief that police officers are decent people was routinely leading to tragedies.
He went on, “It’s an odd thing. For some reason, people still think that coppers are kind-hearted protectors whose only flaw is an amusing inability to type.
“Dixon of Dock Green type of nonsense. Especially considering that nearly every decade since World War 2 we have been engulfed in some sort of scandal that revealed corruption, cronyism, racism, sexism and criminal behaviour.
“Over the past 60 years, Met Police officers have taken bribes from gangland figures, helped tabloids stalk celebrities, fitted up Irish men as terrorists, killed people for walking close to a demo, ignored racist murders, shot Brazilian plumbers for wearing a jacket and lied to get sex from the target of undercover investigations. Why on earth would anyone think we’re out to help them?”
Asked why women should trust London bus drivers more than police officers, DCI Williams said it was simply a matter of character matching a profession.
“Imagine you’re a virulent neo-nazi, a bully, a thug who enjoys violence or a sexual predator and you want a job that will help you get away with whatever heinous shit you’re into.
“It’s not London Transport you’re going to apply to, isn’t it?”