Keir Starmer more likely to be next James Bond than next Prime Minister

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The leader of the Labour Party is more likely to be cast as the next 007 than win the next general election, experts agree.

After a performance at the Labour Party conference that can definitely be described as ‘giving a speech’, Keir Starmer’s chance of playing James Bond has been compared favourably with the chance of him ever running the country.

“Let’s make one thing clear – Keir Starmer has absolutely no chance of being James Bond,” said Political Analyst Simon Williams.

“He’s not an actor, has no plans to audition for the role and if the producers phoned him up out of the blue and offered him the part he’d say, ‘No thanks, that’s silly’.

“However, Starmer being Bond is still a damn sight more likely than him ever living in Number 10.

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“In theory, he has some of the qualities of a brilliant spy. For example, he’s so bland and unmemorable that he’s essentially invisible to the vast majority of people.

“He could run up to someone in a crowded restaurant, shout ‘Die motherfucker!’ and shoot them in the head – the death would go down as a tragic accident.

“But ultimately, Bond is a maverick who doesn’t play by the rules – Keir would be the kind of secret agent whose priority would be ensuring his licence to kill is renewed on a timely basis because he likes the paperwork to be in order.”

Boris Johnson is rather miffed that Starmer’s name is even being mentioned in the same sentence as Bond.

“I don’t see why that silly-haired twonk should have all the fun,” said the PM.

“Misogyny, racism, jetting off to the Caribbean at times of national crisis – Bond is the role I was born to play!”