Nobody in that massive queue for petrol is panic buying, but everyone else in the queue definitely is, according to reports this afternoon.
Following advice from the government to “buy petrol as normal”, every fucker and their nan took that as an immediate signal to leap into the Ford Mondeo, speed away with a screech of tyres and handbrake turn into the nearest forecourt.
“I mean yeah, that was the plan,” sighed Simon Williams, a Mondeo driver.
“But just look at this. Good luck doing a handbrake turn when the queue is all the way up the road.
“It’s all these stupid panic buyers. They’re dumb enough to buy into rumours and fake news, so they just flock down here like the sheep they so clearly are.
“Not me though, I’m not panic buying, I’m just planning ahead. It’s everyone else that’s causing the problem, not me. I am the flawless centre of my own story.”
Hayley Rice said, “Simon can fuck right off. Have a look at his fuel gauge. He’s on three-quarters of a tank.
“I’ve got it WAY worse. I’m only on half a tank, AND I’ve got twelve jerry cans to fill. You know, just in case.
“It would be a lot easier if all these stupid panic buyers weren’t here though.”