The Army will be used to run the country in the absence of any kind of effective decision making within the Conservative government.
When Simon Williams joined the Army he did so because he wanted to ‘be the best’. He just didn’t think that would involve delivering fuel, driving ambulances and running the country.
“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind helping out like this,” he said. “But it’s weird that the country seems to be on its knees without the Army being occupied with some kind of major global conflict.
“Fuel shortages, not enough food to go around, people dying in their living rooms because they’ve been waiting six hours for an ambulance… I thought if all that ever happened I’d be halfway around the world fighting in WW3.
“But apparently it’s mainly just because the government is made up of a bunch of stupid twats.
“Later this week I have to be Transport Secretary for a couple of days. The fact that I hold a driving licence and have used public transport seems to make me infinitely more qualified to do the job than the vast majority of Tory MPs.”
The Prime Minister has done his best to reassure the public.
“Let me make this absolutely clear – there is no skills shortage within government,” Boris told a mirror after shitting in his bath and wiping his arse with Larry the Cat.
“I’m pretty damn ruthless with my cabinet. Only the brightest and best will be appointed, and I won’t hesitate to fire people at the very first sign of months and months of incompetence.”