The UK assumes France is being all emotional and shit because it has the painters in.
Boris Johnson was astounded at the way France reacted to news of the Aukus defence agreement.
“Calm down, sweetheart,” master of diplomacy Johnson told President Macron. “Is it strawberry week or something?
“Let’s try to be a little bit rational about this, shall we? Just because I went for a drink with two other friends it doesn’t mean I now hate you.
“If things are all a bit ‘Code Red’ then I suggest you pop a couple of Feminax and go for a nice lie down. You’ll feel better in the morning.”
In private, the PM admitted he was sick of having to deal with ‘bloody mental’ France.
“I can’t cope with all these mood swings,” he said. “Hates me one minute, strongly dislikes me the next.
“I get enough of that at home – this is just like the time I told Carrie I didn’t like her choice of wallpaper.
“If that’s anything to go by, the next step will be for France to lock itself in the bathroom for two hours having a good old cry before going round to Germany to down a few bottles of wine.
“Honestly, other countries – you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them. Well, not without royally cocking up your trade agreements, supply chains and general quality of life.
“Still, let’s continue giving it a bloody good go, eh?”