Wednesday 22 September 2021 by Steve Blair

Christmas cracker manufacturers begin inserting HGV licences as cracker fillers


Christmas Crackers to include HGV licences

This week Christmas cracker manufacturers will commence work inserting HGV licences into their products as the government pulls out all the stops amid a nationwide shortage of lorry drivers.

With reports of shortages in restaurants, supermarkets and other shops, the government has introduced a raft of measures to make up for the recent shortfall in driver numbers due to something they made up called the ‘pingdemic’, and which is definitely nothing whatsoever to do with Brexit.

“We’re determined to get our goods back on the roads,” said transport secretary, Grant Schapps.

“First we decided to make 50,000 more tests available each year, followed by removing the reversing exercise.

“Next was to offer a licence to anyone who had not been injured on dodgems over the summer, and then what we thought was the final concession, of offering HGV licences to all Audi drivers.

“But nothing worked, so now we’ve decided to give them away on Christmas Day, when most of the recipients will be pissed-up grandads wearing stupid party hats.”

Simon Williams, a spokesman with Acme Cracker Co. was very excited by the development.

“Yes, we’re very excited by the development,” he said. “Now along with a jolly tissue-paper hat, a miniature Rubik’s Cube keyring that a toddler could choke on, and a crap joke on a piece of paper, our customers can have their own HGV licence! It’s literally better than the Christmas TV schedules!”

But will there be any other changes to our cracker fillers this year?

“Yes,” Williams went on, “We’ve removed the little red fortune teller fish that you usually get as, due to the supply problems with toys manufactured in Europe, we’re banking on those fish being the ‘must have’ present for kids this year.”

The move is also said to be going down well with new Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries who, last Christmas, became trapped in one of those little metal wire IQ puzzles and had to be cut out by the Fire Service on Boxing Night.

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