The prohibitive cost of running a baker’s dozen of gas ovens during an energy crisis has meant that this season’s Bake Off has been cut short.
The worst has happened – a spike in the price of gas has hit the British public where it hurts; Bake Off is no more.
“Basically, we blew the series budget in the first twenty minutes,” explained GBBO Producer Simon Williams.
“Think about it – a whole tent full of gas ovens. It’s just not viable given the state of the energy market.
“We considered eeking it out a little longer by playing with the format – ‘raw week’ was a strong contender for episode two.
“Pru was a little unsure about eating all those uncooked eggs but we pointed out that she’s contractually obliged to eat anything the contestants put in front of her – technically they could bake dogshit surprise and she’d have to give it a taste.
“Paul was totally up for it though – he’ll ingest anything as long as it contains sugar.
“But then we realised we had another problem – we can’t get hold of any fucking ingredients.
“The shops don’t have any eggs, any flour, any sugar… There’s not even any salt so we can’t do that whole ‘someone accidentally gets sugar and salt mixed up with hilarious consequences’ routine.
“We can’t even fake bread week by buying loaves of Hovis and pretending the contestants made them cos there aren’t any of the bloody things for sale.
“The only way to keep going and rescue Channel 4’s huge ratings would be to get the contestants to bonk each other – ha, The Great British Fuck Off.
“Shots of exquisitely crafted, multi-tiered sponge showstoppers would be replaced with shots of sweaty, apron-clad sex.
“I suppose that ultimately it would just be a different kind of porn…”