Tuesday 21 September 2021 by Chris Ballard

Ted Lasso brought in to manage UK-France relations


Ted Lasso

Fictional soccer coach Ted Lasso has been hired to mend the rift between the UK and France by the Aukus pact.

The ‘very friendly relationship’ between the UK and France has soured somewhat in recent times – first because of Brexit and now due to the Aukus defence arrangement.

But worry not – someone special has been drafted in to manage the relationship, to heal wounds and inspire a successful future partnership.

“Well, now,” said coach Ted Lasso. “I probably know less about England and France than I do about what you insist on calling football.

“Heck, everything I know about European international relations could maybe fill a small party balloon.

“But what I can do is take that balloon and make it into the shape of a little sausage dog – bring a nice smile to everyone’s face.

“Now, from what I understand, you folks have been trying to kill each other for hundreds of years and it would be a mighty shame for you to fall out again so soon after finally making up.

“So here’s what we’re going to do. You diplomats – French and English, both of yous – are gonna loosen your ties – sorry, loosen your draws – put on some comfortable slacks and get ready to have yourselves a little fun.

“Then we’re all gonna go out, grab a burger – and some French fries to show willing – and bond over a little karaoke!

“By the weekend you’ll all be wondering what the fuss was about!”

UK Foreign Secretary Liz Truss said, “I hired that buffoon Lasso specifically so he’d make matters worse – I bloody hate the French!

“But damn, if he isn’t quite good at this…”

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