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With only a few hours to go until the final results of the Russian elections, the last surviving international observer has declared the result to have been completely honest.
Speaking from a safe house in Switzerland, a sweating and terrified Simeon Guilliames told the world’s press that there was no question about the result.
“There was no a single incorrect vote, not one”, said a visibly pale and shaking Guilliames.
“I have no idea how all those unusual reports of immense numbers of changed votes came to be. Probably just a computer error renaming hundreds of thousands of people Vladimir Putin by accident or something.
“I’m very glad to have made this clear and I just pray I’ve done it in time.”
A series of remarkable accidents has befallen the other observers from international bodies in the last 24 hours, including being squashed by a falling piano, leaping out of their own upstairs window, succumbing to radiation poisoning whilst in the bath, being stabbed to death with a razor-sharp umbrella, and being strangled by a man with metal hands.
Sceptics have suggested that not all the deaths were accidental, but when contacted for comment they had mysteriously vanished.
Speaking from his gigantic palace on the shores of the Black Sea, Putin welcomed the clarification.
“Any suggestion that I have been aware of electoral impropriety is ridiculous,” he said whilst repeatedly pressing a huge red button marked ‘vote’.
