Gas Price Crisis: Government poised to ask Marcus Rashford to step in

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The government has confirmed today that it is ready, willing and able to ask Marcus Rashford to step in to sort out the energy crisis if things get out of hand.

With fears growing over rising gas prices, and potential serious food shortages in the coming weeks, Business Secretary Kwasi Kwarteng has moved to alleviate public concern today by insisting the government is prepared to ask Marcus Rashford to help.

Speaking earlier he told us, “Yes, we are more than ready to ask him, so everyone can calm down.

“Look, everyone knows that we can’t do anything ourselves, and that we don’t know how to actually run the country, or protect the vulnerable in society.

“Or more to the point, we couldn’t give a shit, as long as we are OK.

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“That’s why we are poised and ready to ask that footballer guy to step in, and sort everything out for us again, and show us what to do.

“We are hoping that he can just go and get loads of gas and carbon dioxide from somewhere in the world and carry it to Britain and give it to us for free.

“Failing that, it looks like he might have to start up some charity to get the public to help, so we don’t have to do a thing.

Asked if they actually know who Marcus Rashford is this time we were told “Yes actually, I think you will find I do. Plays for Manchester Utd.

“The French guy with funny hair styles.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – Updated in September 2021!