US and UK hope to make up for Afghanistan debacle with strong performance in next month’s war against France

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The diplomatic rift with France over the Aukus pact has offered President Biden the opportunity to win back the popular support he lost during the fall of Afghanistan by “really nailing” the upcoming war against France.

“France is a threat to our precious freedom,” insisted President Biden. “Well actually they’re our oldest ally and I pissed them off by accident but let’s roll with it.

“I need congress to vote for war, and bullshit about terrorism and freedom normally works.

“We will be fighting alongside Australia and the UK, which is great because friendly fire is much better when it’s a bunch of foreigners we’re blasting.

“We have learned the lessons of Afghanistan. No military action before we have established plausible scapegoats for our inevitable fuck-ups. No drone-striking civilians, not even for old times’ sake. Most of all, avoid getting into an interminable guerrilla conflict, which should be no problem; it’s not as if the French would organise armed resistance against an occupying army.”

Britain’s xenophobes greeted the news. “It’s about bloody time!” said self-proclaimed military expert Simon Williams.

“I only voted for Brexit because the ‘war with France’ option wasn’t on the ballot. Yeah, of course I’ve heard of the French Resistance – you don’t get to be a military expert like me without watching a lot of ‘Allo ‘Allo, you know.

“What’s that? A conflict in France would cause a refugee crisis? Hundreds of boats crossing the channel? Shit, shit! Stop the war! We need to give peace a chance!”