Sunday 19 September 2021 by Chris Ballard

New nuclear submarines to be yellow to make them as British as possible


Liz Truss yellow submarine

The UK has stipulated that any submarines made under the Aukus security arrangement must be yellow for maximum British patriotism.

New Foreign Secretary Liz Truss has been explaining some of the thinking behind the UK’s new security arrangement with the US and Australia.

“This is a British security pact for British people,” she said. “Therefore, any new submarines – no matter which of the three countries uses them – must be in some way British.

“Watch any British children’s TV programme or read any British children’s book and the chances are a submarine will always be yellow.

“This is of course because of the hit 1966 song ‘Mellow Yellow’ by Scotch singer Donovan.

“We’ve therefore agreed as part of this important security partnership that any new military submarines will be painted yellow to honour this British musical legacy.

“What better way to uphold the principles of the peace and love flower power generation than by constructing new nuclear submarines?

“Of course, a bright yellow colour also has vital strategic value – the enemy will be able to see us coming from miles away! They’ll be scared witless.

“The French don’t like the deal because they’re jealous – their submarines aren’t yellow, just their sailors! Ha!

“God, I’m really nailing this Foreign Secretary malarkey – I’ve got loads more brilliants jokes about foreigners.

“Ooh, ooh, I’ve got another one – the Chinese aren’t happy because their submarines aren’t yellow – just their…”

Ms Truss was then quickly whisked away by an aide – apparently there are a number of courses she needs to attend.

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