Thursday 16 September 2021 by Chris Ballard

Gavin Williamson regrets letting Boris assess his grades


Gavin Williamson sacked

The former Education Secretary now wishes he’d allowed end-of-cabinet exams to go ahead rather than proceed with a PM-based assessment.

One of the high-profile casualties of this week’s cabinet reshuffle was piss-soaked blanket Gavin Williamson, who was ousted as Educated Secretary.

“I guess I’ve only got myself to blame,” said Mr Williamson.

“I decided to dispense with exams and allow the Prime Minister to assess all our grades.

“You see, I thought he liked me. Why else would he have given me a job? It’s not as if I’m in any way useful.

“I was expecting performance to go up without the stress and pot luck of a single two-hour exam. I thought maybe I’d get promoted – perhaps to that ‘going on holiday’ job.

“But it wasn’t to be. I should probably never have told Boris that I went to a comprehensive school – that’s probably the end of my career in the Conservative Party.”

Boris is unapologetic about Williamson’s sacking.

“Look, we run a pretty informal ship around here,” said the prime minister. “The bar for competence is set jolly low. But Gavin is like a limbo dancer of ineptitude and under he went – quite an achievement in itself, I suppose.

“Anyway, exams wouldn’t have helped him – I saw his mock papers and his answers were just a multicoloured scrawl of crayon, a total mess that wasn’t even pretty to look at.

“Although when Carrie saw it she did ask if he was available to decorate the Downing Street flat.”

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