Wednesday 15 September 2021

Woman who ate Ostrich anus to entertain people on live television made nation’s Minister for Culture

Nadine Dorries Culture secretary

Nadine Dorries has been made Minister for Culture, after demonstrating a thorough understanding of this nation’s rich cultural heritage when she ate Ostrich anus on live television for the entertainment of the viewers.

Dorries, who has surprised many with a return to the front line politics, is said to be excited to bring her own unique take on ‘culture’ to the role.

She told reporters, “I am delighted to finally be in a position to do something about all these lefty woke cry-babies who don’t like jokes that poke fun of minorities and who want to pull down statues just because they’re of people who made fortunes from slavery.

“We should be proud of those traditions, and as such, my first order of duty is to make a legal requirement that Jim Davidson gets an hour on television every Saturday night.  He can do what he likes in that hour, because I’m a ‘hands-off’ culture secretary who believes artists should have the freedom to express themselves without political interference.

“If my own experience of eating the anal sphincters of animals on prime time television has taught me anything, it’s that this country wants some proper culture on its television screens – and I am here to deliver it.

“I believe we need truly creative minds to oversee the cultural zeitgeist, and what better creative mind than the one that regularly used ‘poetic licence’ when trying to explain all the discrepancies in my expense claims during the expense scandals.

“I’ve been using creative fiction to stay out of trouble for years, and I plan to continue doing just that as your minister for culture.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – get yours here!

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