Wednesday 15 September 2021 by Chris Ballard

Reshuffle rumours: Ministers to move to other jobs they’re not qualified for


Boris to shuffle cabinet

Westminster is buzzing with rumours that the PM might be moving his ministers from jobs for which they have no relevant qualifications to other jobs for which they have no relevant qualifications.

There comes a time in every government when the existing cabinet members have fucked up so much that someone else needs to be given the opportunity to fuck up in their place.

That time was at least a year ago but Boris might finally be addressing the issue.

“Gavin Williamson will probably be the first to go,” said Political Analyst Simon Williams.

“I imagine the PM will move the gormless twit to a position of low importance where he can’t really do any damage – probably Home Secretary.

“That means Priti Patel will need to move. Her innate xenophobia would make her a prime candidate for Foreign Secretary – perfect for this insular, backwards-looking version of Britain the Tories have created.

“Raab would therefore go to somewhere nobody really cares about – probably DCMS. It’s hard to mess up DCMS, although under Raab’s watch there’s always a chance that next year’s Commonwealth Games will end up taking place on a small coral atoll in the Pacific, rather than in Birmingham.

“And so Oliver Dowden would move to Education. No, he doesn’t know anything about Education either, but he hasn’t yet made any headlines for being totally incompetent – this will therefore be a great chance for him to do so and climb further up the Party ladder.”

The PM himself said there was no truth in the reshuffle rumours.

“No, no,” he said. “I’ve just scheduled a game of spin the bottle for the next cabinet meeting. All perfectly routine.”

The Cabinet of Arseholes – will it be changing soon?

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