Wednesday 15 September 2021 by Sarah Polley

House spiders having more sex than you


House spider

Spiders infiltrating your home for the mating season are treating the place like a brothel because you aren’t.

Massive, horny arachnids are currently shagging in every room of your house whilst simultaneously making you jump and scaring the shit out of you.

House spider John Webber bragged, “We haven’t had this much action since September last year.

“It’s been just like that Shaggy song as I’ve had my girlfriend on the counter, on the sofa and even in the shower.

“Although the sight of you wiping your arse did put us off a bit then.”

A newcomer spider informed us, “Look, I’ve heard there are hotties here to sow my seed in. It’s not like I’m taking liberties and using your condoms which are probably out of date now anyway.

“I won’t be here for long; I heard there was a gorgeous leggy female hanging out in the bath earlier, so I just want to give her a good seeing to and then I’ll be out of your way.”

Out-of-action human, Tim Solomon told us, “I’ve heard spiders don’t like citrus so as soon as I saw the latest one smugly strolling in like he was entering the Love Island villa I dripped lemon juice everywhere to repel any other spiders.

“So yeah, I’ve basically cock-blocked the little bastard because if I’m not getting any then neither should he.”

Meanwhile, a daddy long-legs orgy is taking place in your garage after you left the light on in there.

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