Wednesday 15 September 2021 by Lucas Wilde

Fireworks remain on general sale for some reason

Fireworks on general sale

Fireworks can still be bought by absolutely anyone, for reasons which remain unclear.

The colourful explosives are in the shops today despite terrifying any animal within five miles, triggering PTSD episodes in many humans, blowing the fingers off at least three teenagers per year and being a general annoyance to anyone who lives nearby and would like to get some FUCKING SLEEP.

“It’s my right to buy them” declared Simon Williams, a small-willied dad who needs to show off.

“Yes, we live in a mid-terrace house and yes, our garden is only 12 feet squared and yes, our neighbour is an army veteran with PTSD, but these things go bang and they’re pretty, and that’s more important.”

“There is a professionally organised, public display not far away, but that won’t be as good as my wife and children watching ME set off some explosives. It won’t involve ME being the big man with the phallus shapes that go BOOM.”

“So leave me alone, I’m well within my rights to be an inconsiderate twat here.”

Simon’s son, 9, commented “we wanted to go to the firework show in the park.”

“But daddy started crying, so we’re going to watch him burn his fingers on some inferior fireworks instead.”

“I hope Mr. Jones next door is alright.”

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