Wednesday 15 September 2021 by Chris Ballard

‘Are the legal and moral boundaries anywhere near Dover?’ asks new Justice Secretary


Dominic Raab Justice Secretary

Dominic Raab’s inability to grasp where borders and limits are located is already proving to be an issue in his new role.

Boris Johnson has shuffled Dominic Raab out of the Foreign Office and into a new role as Justice Secretary.

“Dom has a lot of great qualities,” said Boris. “His utter disdain for the electorate, his skill at going on holiday at times of crisis, the way he carries off wearing shirts at least two collar sizes too small… he has too much to offer for me to just sack him.

“However, his appalling geography meant that his position as Foreign Secretary was no longer tenable.

“What you probably don’t know about Dom is that when he goes to restaurants he never has starters – just desserts. So, it follows quite logically that his natural home should be the Ministry of Justice.

“Yes, that’s how I make decisions about who runs the country, don’t you dare act surprised.”

Unfortunately, it appears that Mr Raab is incapable of locating, not just geographical boundaries, but moral and legal ones too.

“Mr Raab was the one who allowed Anne Sacoolas to return to the USA after killing 19-year-old Harry Dunn,” said Political Analyst Simon Williams.

“That probably wasn’t the appropriate side of the right/wrong border; it was certainly enough for Dunn’s family to bring a private criminal prosecution against the then Foreign Secretary.

“Raab has also shown a complete lack of empathy for users of food banks, claiming they’re ‘not languishing in poverty’ and dismissing the impact of an inadequate benefits system. Not exactly a sign of a functioning moral compass.

“Boris might think he’s moved Raab to a role where he can do less damage, but the truth is that Raab will be equally all at sea in his new job. He will of course claim that this can’t be the case because the sea is closed.”

The Cabinet of Arsholes – see the full range here!

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