Tuesday 14 September 2021 by Pete Redfern

Priti Patel orders HMS Vigil to patrol the channel and nuke any dinghies carrying asylum seekers


Priti Patel on HMS Vigil

The Home Secretary Priti Patel has instructed the crew of HMS Vigil to patrol the English Channel with nuclear warheads at the ready, it has emerged.

According to insiders at the Home Office, Ms Patel watched Vigil on BBC Two on Sunday night and mistakenly thought it was a fly on the wall documentary about Trident, Britain’s nuclear deterrent.

“Programmes about the military or the police is like soft porn to Priti,” one employee told us.

“Or anything involving death, to be honest. She came in yesterday morning absolutely buzzing, saying she had an “amazin’ new idea for deterrin’ migrants,” one employee told us.

“She’d evidently watched Vigil – a great show, but entirely fictional – and in between applauding each time a new dead body was shown, came up with her bright idea.

“Her ‘armed jet skis’ idea has already been blown out of the water, which ironically is exactly what her new plan entails doing to dinghies carrying asylum seekers.

“Only with nukes.”

Her smirk growing to record size, Priti Patel told us, “It is important to send a clear message to these desperate people fleein’ from countries that we’ve bombed, that they are not welcome in Britain.

“And there is no clearer message than sendin’ their instantly atomised bodies a few miles in each direction.”

It is understood that Priti Patel now can’t wait to see her instructions being carried out during the next episode of Vigil on Sunday evening, like that interactive episode of Black Mirror but with less video game programming and more migrant deaths.

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