Thursday 9 September 2021 by Chris Ballard

HGV licences to be awarded to anyone who has ever used pornography


man watching porn to become an HGV driver

Amid a severe shortage of lorry drivers, the government is planning to fast track people into the haulage industry by easing the entry requirements.

Widespread supply chain issues caused by a lack of lorry drivers is forcing the British government to do something it’s never done before – come up with a solution to a problem.

“We need more lorry drivers immediately,” said the Prime Minister. “So we have to think about what these chaps do – what skills do they have?

“Well, as far as we can tell after extensive research, they mainly use vast quantities of pornography.

“And that’s the key word: ‘use’.

“We’re not looking for drivers who casually watch pornography or simply look at the pictures – we need people who actively utilise it for sexual gratification in the absence of a fellow human being.

“Because that’s what being a long-distance haulier is all about!

“People who consume pornography with their partners or to just ‘get in the mood’ need not apply.

“My wife Carrie, for example, assures me that our physical intimacy is the only thing that can satisfy her – but she still enjoys locking herself in the bathroom to watch videos of very attractive young men with large penises. A delightful idiosyncrasy, yes, but she’d never make a lorry driver!

“Now, we are of course aware that lorry drivers specialise in traditional print pornography of the sort typically bought from the top shelf of a petrol station magazine rack.

“However, the need for drivers is now so urgent that we are allowing anybody who can demonstrate the regular use of Internet porn to also be granted an HGV licence.

“The first batch of drivers to be recruited using these new rigorous criteria have just been given their vehicles and will be delivering much needed products to your local supermarket immediately.

“Well, after their naps – for some reason they’re all quite sleepy at the moment.”

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