Clap for corporate landlords – Thursday, 8pm

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This Thursday, at 8pm, people are encouraged to stand on their doorsteps and spend two minutes applauding corporate landlords, who have given so much during the pandemic.

“It is time we recognised the true heroes of the pandemic – corporate landlords,” explained Jacob Rees-Mogg, who is a corporate landlord.

“Without a care for themselves, these brave souls have continued to provide office space to companies throughout the pandemic and, even though that office space could not be used, they have selflessly charged exactly the same amount of money.

“They’ve remained quiet and stoic in the background and haven’t complained at all. Unless of course you count the twice-weekly exhortations since last Spring for the nation’s layabouts and ne’er-do-wells to stop lollygagging and protecting themselves from a fatal virus, and to get back to the office.”

Mr Rees-Mogg hoped people would spend the two minutes thinking about how difficult it has been for corporate landlords.

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“Imagine, if you can, how terrifying it must be to find yourself in a position where it could be revealed that offices are, by-and-large, surplus to requirements, and so the vast sums of money corporate landlords charge for overvalued office space could suddenly disappear, leading to these brave men being forced to actually work for a living.

“Truly terrifying.”

Whilst this Thursday’s ‘clap for corporate landlords’ will be a one-off, there are plans for further applauses for other unsung heroes of the pandemic like Toby Young, Rishi Sunak and whoever was responsible for ‘Eat Out to Help Out’, and people who still haven’t learnt that the mask goes OVER THE FUCKING NOSE.