Friday 3 September 2021

Yeah, I don’t think this is for me, insists child after first week of school

Child had enough of school

4-year-old Jake Williams will today tell his parents he tried school, didn’t like it, and will ask what else he can do instead.

Jake will explain to his mother, that much like a portion of brussels sprouts, he has done what was asked of him by ‘trying it’, but has ultimately decided that spending every day in a room full of other children isn’t really for him.

As the 4-year-old explained, “Look, a room full of young children is essentially hell on earth, and in no way an attractive proposition to someone like me trying to find productive ways to fill his days. So I’m looking for alternatives – so, what have you got?

“You can’t say I didn’t try it. I got dressed up in those ridiculous shorts and the funny hat, I let you take all those stupid photos by the front door, and I even sat there for a whole day while a strange child with unblinking eyes ate whatever he could pluck out of his nose.

“But that’s it. No more.”

Experts have said that alternative options for 4 year-olds are a little on the thin side, but Williams is firm in his insistence that his days will not be spent at ‘school’.

He went on, “If they make me go back, then clearly they lied when they said I just had to see if I liked it.  Right now, I’ll do anything else.  I’m thinking I might try accountancy, I’ve always been good with counting bricks.

“If that doesn’t work out there’s always politics.”

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