Friday 3 September 2021 by Arabin Patson

Man proclaiming to be a ‘classical liberal’ actually just a bit racist


Man in pub is classic liberal

In a stunning turn of events, a man claiming to be a follower of “Western Liberalism” is not an impish provocateur desiring to keep people and markets free of state interference, but rather a somewhat ignorant man with a bizarre hostility towards dark-skinned people.

Simon Williams, a pub landlord who refers to soldiers as ‘the lads’ on social media despite having no connection to the military, insisted that his beliefs were the logical interpretation of philosophical principles and not just a fear of foreigners put into his head by tabloids.

He explained, “People say I’m a reactionary, but I’m actually a product of the Enlightenment. It’s after watching Paradise Lost by Milton Keynes that I understood that the natural condition of a man is to be free to wave a shotgun at Travellers.

“I don’t hate Bulgarians because Oxbridge graduates working at the Daily Mail, who wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire, have carefully and deliberately put me in a state of permanent anxiety and fear of losing something that never really existed. No. I hate them because I have studied the great liberal thinkers of the past like Locke, Adams Smiths, Hobbes and his over-imaginative child friend. Or at least I’ve heard of them.

“I’ve even got to page 47 of Atlas Shrugged. So don’t you go and call me a racist whenever I say we should force all Muslims to say they love the Queen more than Allah.”

The trend for irritating bigots to call themselves classical liberals is believed to have started in 1998 on American Ivy League campuses by smug little rich pricks trying to explain why they wanted coke legalised but not same-sex marriage.

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