Piers Morgan has sensationally claimed that Meghan Markle travelled back in time and cursed him, using voodoo magic, to have a ¾ inch micro-penis for all his life.
“It’s the only explanation that makes sense,” he sobbed in an emotional interview with himself.
“Throughout my entire life, I’ve never been able to satisfy a woman because I have such a tiny, tiny penis. This has resulted in a lifelong fear of all women that manifests itself in irrational hostility and anger.
“And now I finally understand why. It’s all Meghan’s fault.
“This feud between us, this awful, awful feud that I’m not really bothered about but she is utterly consumed by; she must have realised that there is no way she can win because of my powerful brain.”
Piers went on to explain through tears that Meghan must have developed some sort of time machine to wreak her terrible revenge.
“I believe that she used vast sums of money, earnt by the Queen through a lifetime of selfless dedication to her country and subjects, to finance the invention of a time machine,” he explained.
“She then must have travelled back to 1980 when I was born because I’m 40, and used ancient voodoo magic from her African heritage to curse me with a tiny micro-penis.
“And that’s not racist, actually. She’s black, so she must have some African genes in her somehow. So, it’s fine to say that, snowflakes.”
He then issued a plea to Meghan to do the decent thing and make his penis normal-sized again.
“I don’t believe we will ever be friends again, she’s too intimidated by my success and intellect for that. But, Meghan, for the sake of the friendship we once had, please travel back in time again and use your voodoo magic to give me a normal-sized penis. That’s all I ask.”
Despite the open and emotional nature of the interview, Piers didn’t take the opportunity to confirm whether or not it was a voodoo curse from Meghan that had made him such a cunt.