Thursday 2 September 2021 by Chris Ballard

Branches of Wetherspoons to be turned into theatres and cinemas


wetherspoons to become theatres

As beer shortages prevent Wetherspoons from operating as pubs, many branches are set to become arts venues.

Wetherspoons is experiencing a shortage of beer, a phenomenon that makes its establishments about as fit for purpose as a Tory cabinet minister.

Fortunately for Wetherspoons boss Tim Martin, the grand architecture of many of his pubs means that he has an excellent opportunity to diversify his business.

“People laughed at me when I built massive pubs with high glass ceilings, balconies and bizarrely inaccessible toilets,” said Mr Martin.

“Well, they ain’t laughing now because the buildings can easily be converted into theatres and cinemas – perfect vehicles for making money in the bustling post-Covid world.

“Our Tunbridge Wells branch is so impressive it’s long been nicknamed The Opera House. Well, now that we’ve run out of booze it’s actually going to be an opera house.

“Obviously at Wetherspoons we won’t have a black-tie dress code – a bin liner held on with a piece of string will be fine.

“My venues are, and will always be, for the average man on the street. As long as he’s a British man, of course.

“And no, we won’t be showing operas sung in Italian or any other funny foreign language.

“Other Wetherspoons branches such as The Palladium in Llandudno and the Caley Picture House in Edinburgh have the ideal layout to become cinemas.

“Don’t worry though, there’ll be none of that mainstream, Hollywood crap. I have no desire to alienate my core clientele of lonely, seedy little men in trench coats.”

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